Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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