Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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