My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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