I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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