You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
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