In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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