I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
