we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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