My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Terrible idea I love it
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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