the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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