i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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