I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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