Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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