Just fell off a train. Bad.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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