Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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