Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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