don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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