a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
