rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Come share oat with me in your robe
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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