The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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