Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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