we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
