i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
