I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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