Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
