i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
