**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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