I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
