First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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