she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
