I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
