Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You dont lie about slip and slides
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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