how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
