My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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