The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
