Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
