Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
