Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
