I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
