I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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