Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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