i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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