If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
