Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
