my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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