New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
