dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
