plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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