she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
