dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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