the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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