look no pants
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
