I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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